GeT RICH QUICK

When the Israelites escaped slavery and began their 40-year schlep across the hot Sinai sand, they probably didn’t rely on kosher for Pesach Evian to quench their thirst.

Five thousand years on and the festival that commemorates their Egyptian exodus has mutated into a commercial blitzkrieg of Christmas proportions.

Pesach water, toothpaste, shampoo, lipstick, deodorant, pet food – even carrier bags and balloons – are part and parcel of the modern festival. But does it really matter if you feed your pussy non-kosher cat-nip on seder night, or are the observant just being Evian backwards?

The sudden absence of bagels and challah from daily diets clearly affects blood-sugar levels in Jewish brains, as even twice-a-year-Jews stock their spotless shelves with products that stretch purse strings and common sense.

As with all aspects of faith, observance is interpretation. And when it comes to forking out a fortune on kosher for Pesach balloons and carrier bags, you’ve Haggadah be joking.